How many Hufflepuffs ...
by Amberdulen
Summary: ... does it take to light up a wand? Learn that and more in this collection of (slightly lame) one-liners; then add your own since you're probably much funnier than me. *Eighth installation now up!*
1. Mine

**[Author's Note]** Welcome to the latest craze in Harry Potter humor: lighting-up-wand jokes! Once you've read these, come up with your own and post them as a review. Once I have enough from you, I'll start adding them as chapters until we have a veritable compendium of bad HP gags! Then we'll print them, bind them and sell them to Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes ... we'll make a fortune ... live in opulent languor ... muhahaha ...   
Oh yeah, I own nothing, including all of the big words below.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?   
-Two, trying as hard as they can, and they never give up until they get it, those plucky Hufflepuffs. 

How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
-Just one, he spent all last term studying it, aren't Ravenclaws the _cleverest_? 

How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
-Just one, but he has to do it illegally after curfew to make it seem worthwhile. 

How many Quidditch players does it take to light up a wand?   
-Six to work their butts off and a Seeker to take the credit. 

How many dragons does it take to light up a wand?   
*whoosh of flames*   
Never mind. 

How many Animagi does it take to light up a wand?   
-Two dozen, because only one of them is actually registered. 

How many Weasleys does it take to light up a wand?   
-Who needs a lighted wand, with all that hair? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Now's your turn! Send in your own via that little button right down there on the left. Thanks for reading! 


	2. Yours

**[Author's Note]** Hey, thanks for the great response! We have enough new jokes to justify putting up another chapter of them. *chuckles madly ... her evil scheme is working* I was hoping for a couple more Hufflepuff jokes, but maybe those are just too easy ... Everything belongs to the venerable Ms. Rowling, except for the jokes, which are owned by the people whose names are beside each one. Yup.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

How many ministry workers does it take to light up a wand?   
- Anytime a worker tries they are forbidden by the Minister of Magic who doesn't understand why they need them lit in the first place. [by Kat] 

How many Dursleys would it take to light up a wand?   
-One Dursley and a blow torch [by Rubi Granger, adapted] 

How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?   
-Two. One to do it, and the other one to steal it and take credit for it. [by Jaina Lusa Solo]   
_A/N: I resent that!_

How many house elves does it take to light up a wand?   
-We don't know that yet, but we do know those buggers beat themselves up over their masters wands... [by SamWitch] 

How many Potions Masters does it take to light up a wand?   
-One but, "As there is little foolish wand-waving . . ." I doubt he'll do it(First book pg 136). [by Duchess of Hell]   
_A/N: Love the citation_

How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?   
-None, that's servant stuff. [by lightning bug, adapted] 

How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
-Depends how far up Draco Malfoy's butt it is [by Evie]   
_A/N: Shame on you, driving up my rating to PG!_

How many Professors does it take to light up a wand?   
-We don't know, they're never around when you need them. [by Rose] 

[**A/N** Here's a whole mess of 'em from Sailor Twilight.]   
How Many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
-None, because they can't figure it out so they have to cheat by going to the Gryffindor who lit up the wand! ~ Then, they get Professor Snape to take house points from Gryffindor and take the poor guy/gal's wand! 

How many Neville Longbottoms does it take to light up a wand?   
- We don't know, he never did it correctly... *ducks blast from Neville's wand as he tries* 

How many Deatheaters does it take to light up a wand?   
- Don't know that one either, as soon as I saw the Dark Mark in the sky, I didn't hang around to see what happened next... *runs and hides* 

How many Flobberworms does it take to light up a wand?   
-Let's not even go there... O.o; 

How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
-Four, one to do it and three to brag about how he did it fair and square. [by Kocchi Highwind] 

How many animagi does it take to light up a wand?   
-Depends on how many of them turn into dragons [tigerhawk567] 

How many defense against the darks arts professors does it take to light a wand?   
-A hell of alot until lupin comes back. [by barmybeth]   
_A/N: More rating-raisers ... this'll ruin my reputation_

[**A/N:** Finally, a couple more from your honored host.]   
How many D.A.D.A. profs does it take to light up a wand?   
-One per year 

How many Divination professors does it take to light up a wand?   
-Just one, but to do it she needs her crystal ball, some tea leaves, incense, a star chart, a Tarot deck ... 

How many dementors does it take to light up a wand?   
-None, nobody in their right minds would let one of those things _near_ a wand. 

How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
-Three to do the lighting and a whole house of them to applaud wildly when they win the House Cup for it, snatching it out of the grasp of the Slytherins who won it fair and square in the first place. 

How many CoMC profs does it take to light up a wand?   
-None, they just shove it into a pen with some Blast-End Skrewts and watch it catch flame. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Thanks again! I know there are more funny-people out there than this ... send in your gags and let's see if we can get enough for a third chapter! (Oh yeah, and keep 'em clean, chaps. No Harry Potter porn for _this_ Slytherin.) 


	3. More

[**Author's Note**] Awesome, they keep coming in ... thank you all ... and send in more! Chapter three ... *shudders* Who would have ever thought it would come to this? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

[**A/N** Here's a ton from AIT the Almighty Spork]   
How many Gringotts goblins does it take to light a wand?   
-I don't know, those goblins never tell anyone anything.   
  
How many Veela does it take to light a wand?   
-Just one, really, but chances are there'll be about a hundred guys begging to do it for her.   
  
How many Knight Bus conductors does it take to light a wand?   
-Why do they need a wand? They've got those headlights...   
  
How many Quidditch players does it take to light a wand?   
-Fifteen: Three to throw it around first, three more to try and steal it, four to try and break it with their clubs, two to stop the other team from lighting it, two to compete to be the one to find it and light it, and one to provide incredibly biased commentary and brag about how great the wand is.   
  
How many Dark Lords does it take to light a wand?   
-One, but he prefers it to be light of the green variety.   
  
How many Transfiguration teachers does it take to light a wand?   
-Two, one to change a pen into a wand and one to light the wand.   
  
How many house-elves does it take to light a wand?   
-Just one, but they better hope the Ministry doesn't find out about it.   
  
How many stuck-up arrogant teachers *coughLockhartcough* does it take to light a wand?   
-Only one, but he's too busy fixing his oh-so-perfect hair and coordinating his robes. But of course, he could light a wand with his hands tied behind his back, if he wanted to.   
  
[**A/N** Lots more from thistlemeg]   
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
- None, they learned that one in infancy and wouldn't dream of wasting time on such a juvenile spell.   
  
How many Marauders does it take to light up a wand?   
- Only one, but he'll have to do Wormtail's as well.   
  
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
- Three; one to do the actual spell and two to look stand around looking menacing in case any Gryffindors come along...   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
- None, a *Gryffindor*, scared of the dark??   
  
How many Divination professors does it take to light up a wand?   
- None, her Inner Eye has just informed her it'll be bright and sunny all day, and who is she to refuse the promptings of fate? (PoA, pg. 228 at the end there, i can cite too!)   
  
How many muggle kids does it take to light up wand?   
-Two, one to light it (with a match), and the other to be blamed for burning down the school. [by hpfan12]   
  
How many Muggles does it take to light up a wand?   
-Fourty-one, one to light it with a match thingy and the other fourty to put out the fire that the first Muggle starts! [by Christina]   
  
[**A/N** And two by Kocchi Highwind ...]   
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?   
-It doesn't matter. As long as they tried their hardest, they're all winners.   
  
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
-Just one, since Malfoy's dad bought them all automatic-lighting wands. 


	4. Even More

[**Author's Note**] Four chapters of lighting-up-wand jokes. I told you it was a phenomenon. Vociferous thanks to everyone who keeps sending in jokes, especially the lame ones. I have a special place in my heart for lame jokes.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

How many Lily Evanses does it take to light up a wand?   
~One - she lights her own and everyone elses because she did their homework for the 7 years of Hogwarts and the rest never bothered to learn. [by teenage_witch]   
  
How long does it take Hermione to light up a wand?   
~Two seconds, just after she has spent all night looking for the right book. [by Elven Devil]   
_A/n: Hey, this isn't a 'how many' joke! (Doesn't matter, I like it anyway)_   
  
How many Ministry members does it take to light up a wand?   
~One and and a Minister of Magic telling him that the wand just *hasn't* come back. [by Lily Smith]   
  
How many Ministry of Magic workers does it take to light a wand?   
~A wand? ... Forget the wand, they need to dawn some light in Fudge's head. [by Jedi Serena Potter]   
  
How many trolls does it take to light up a wand?   
~He's got to dig it out of his nose first.   
  
How many Gryfindors does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, Harry Potter and the whole house cheering and waving banners becasue he did it so bravely! [by Zahrah Thomson-Radcliffe]   
_A/n: Sad but true._   
  
How many Death Eaters does it take to light up a wand?   
~Only one, but you'll have to get out the Veritaserum to make him confess.   
  
How many Weasleys does it take to light up a wand?   
~Seven: Ginny to look upset and do nothing, Ron to sulk about not getting credit for lighting up the last one, Fred and George to try and blow it up, Percy to yell at Fred and George, Charlie to hold it in front of a cranky dragon, and Bill to roll his eyes at all of them. [by Charon]   
_A/n: And Molly to bellow at them and Arthur to pretend he didn't think blowing it up was funny_   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?   
~However many it is, they're going to have to try to do it with one less from now on ...   
  
How many Dumbledores does it take to light up a wand?   
~We're going to have to settle for one (the other is busy practicing inappropriate charms on a goat)   
  
How many fanfic writers does it take to light up a wand?   
~None ... alas, all we can do is write about it.   
  
How many Creeveys does it take to light up a wand?   
~Just one, he did all by himself, it was _awesome_, and I bet Harry can't wait to hear all about it, right, Harry?   
  
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
-Light? What are Slytherins gonna do with light? [by Godforsaken]   
_A/n: Hunt down their prey, that's what._   
  
How many foreign exchange students does it take to light up a wand?   
~Apparently, millions.   
  
**[A/n: Ariana Deralte sent in a whole bunch]**   
How many escaped convicts does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but he needs to steal the wand first.   
  
How many Quidditch captains does it take to light up a wand?   
~Don't know, could never get them to focus on anything other than quidditch.   
  
How many Ministers of Magic does it take to light a wand?   
~Just one, but he needs to ask Dumbledore for advice first.   
_Judging by the Fudge-bashing going on around here, he_ wouldn't _ask Dumbledore for advice ..._   
  
How many Death Eaters does it take to light a wand?   
~Fifty: forty-eight to watch, one to be tortured by the Dark Lord, and one to light the wand. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
The ones that have been sent in are awesome ... but surely, surely one or more of you can come up with a good Hufflepuff joke. That's the weekly challenge. Maybe we can have an all-Hufflepuff chapter. 


	5. Hufflepuffs

**[Author's Note]** Five chapters ... inconcievable. As promised, here's a whole slew especially dedicated to the noble badger. Somewhere, Helga is rolling around in her yellow-silk-lined grave. (A couple appeared in other chapters and are being reposted, just to keep all the Huffles together in one page)   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light a wand?   
~Three: one to flash a brilliant smile and do it perfectly, one to point a pudgy finger at Harry and shout "He did it!" accusingly, and one to swing her pigtails back and forth nodding in agreement. [by Amara]   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light a wand?   
~Well, I s'pose three or four together could bungle up a plan, but aren't their robes bright enough? [by Amara]   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, but then s/he'll probably get murdered just for being there [by Kaylin]   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?   
~However many it is, they're going to have to try to do it with one less from now on ...   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but he has to be devilishly handsome or nobody will notice. [by Me ... well, not *me*, but someone claiming to be "Me"]   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light a wand?   
~You tell me how many Hufflepuffs there are, and I'll tell you how many it takes to light a wand. [by Ariana Deralte]   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light a wand?   
~Just one, but he has to be told how by a friendly Gryffindor first. [by Ariana Deralte]   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?   
~It doesn't matter. As long as they tried their hardest, they're all winners. [by Kocchi Highwind] 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
That was fun. You know, the old 'Claws have really been getting the easy side of this whole wand-gag thing. Next assignment: How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand? You tell me. Little button on the left. You know the routine. 


	6. More Yet

Will you look at that. Six chapters of nothing but Lumos. Really, I ought to consolidate some of these ... maybe split them into sections, one for each Hogwarts house or something ... Or maybe I could just keep posting them as I get them and enjoying the sometimes brilliant, sometimes groanable stuff that you guys come up with. This is too much fun.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
How many Marauders does it take to light up a wand?   
~Only one, but then he'll use it to light up Snape *evil grin* [by Ashley Potter]   
  
**[A/n: Amara sent in a whole plethora, and they're some of the best yet.]**   
How many Herbology Professors does it take to light a wand?   
~Just one, but they can't do it around a Devil's Snare.   
  
How many Deatheaters does it take to light a wand?   
~Three: one to light the wand, one to toe the ground and mumble an apology, and one to prostrate himself before the Dark Lord and offer another arm.   
  
How many Mary Sues does it take light a wand?   
~Her glowing smile would do the trick.   
_A/n: *shrieks with laughter*_   
  
How many Neville Longbottoms does it take to light a wand?   
~Oh, one, I suppose, but we don't want the dear to hurt himself, do we?   
  
How many of Malfoy's henchman does it take to light a wand?   
~Light a wand? Them? Ha! Okay, let's be serious now.   
  
How many Squibs does it take to light a wand?   
~Ten: four to babble excitedly about their FABULOUS experiences with the Kwikspell Course, two to brandish their wands and emit a spark or two, three to glance around furtively and sneak a match from their pockets, and one to grumble about cleaning up the whole mess.   
  
How many Rita Skeeters does it take to light a wand?   
~Just one, but her Quick-Quotes-Quill will probably write a gripping article about a raging fire that burnt down the beloved Ollivanders factory in Hogsmeade (Fine Makers of Wands Since 382 B.C.)   
  
How many Voldemorts does it take to light up a wand?   
~None. Why do you think he's called the *Dark* Lord? [by Murgatroyd]   
  
**[A/n: Four really, really good ones from All Mighty Terrestrial]**   
Hey, how many cenataurs does it take to light up a wand?   
~None. Mars is unusually bright tonight.   
  
How many expelled students does it take to light up a wand?   
~Wand? What wand? They got rid of the pieces after they were expelled. They swear.   
  
How many basilisks does it take to light up a wand?   
~No one's ever been able to get close enough to find out.   
  
How many phoenixes does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, if you catch it just as it bursts into flames. Hopeless, otherwise. It can sing you to sleep though, if you're afraid of the dark. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
I'm still collecting for that Ravenclaw chapter. It'll show up soon. 


	7. Ravenclaws

Okay, this is getting a little too weird. I spend about fifteen minutes a week on this compendium of jokes, and it's got like twice the reviews than the novel that took me four months. I do not get it. Meanwhile: Here are the results from the Ravenclaw challenge -- some of you rose to the occasion nicely. Others of you just couldn't leave the Hufflepuffs alone, so there are more of those at the bottom. :-)   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but she has to do it in between being fawned by Harry [by Chablis Jameson]   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~Why use a wand when they already created a new quantum-theory for wandless magic? [by Melisa Spellcaster]   
  
How many Ravenclws does it take to light a wand?   
~Twenty-two: five running around the library to find the quickest, most effective manner. Seven to practice the spell to make sure that its safe and it works. Three to inform the professors of what they're doing so they can get the credit. Four to contemplate over whos wand has the best core material for performing this spell. One to stand by with a fire extinguisher just in case. One to actually light the wand and one more to point out how I spelled "Ravenclaw" wrong...those clever Ravenclaws! [by Alyson the Geek Lord]   
  
[**A/n: Sailor Juno actually came up with three.**]   
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~Who has time for silly things like lighting wands when there are only eight months until OWLs?   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~A whole house to study on various ways to do the task, then one Ravenclaw to do the actual lighting.   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~None--Cho can just get Harry to do if for them.   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~One to actually light it, all the rest to slowly and clearly explain how it was done to the rest of the houses. ;) [by Ravenlink]   
  
[**A/n: Here's two from Ariana Deralte, who says "Right, these are getting worse ... oh well"**]   
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~None. They get their boyfriends from the other houses to do it.   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~Just one, but they better get extra credit for it.   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?   
~One. All the have to do is say, "Lumos!" [by Ges]   
_A/n: Notably, this one was dubbed as "ultra-super lame" by Ges herself_   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?   
~Four. One to light the wand, one to suppose that there's an easier way to do it, one to reasearch the easier way, and on to light it the easier way. [by Urania]   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~One-unless you count books as people, in that case, 23. (what, she *had* to make sure she did it absolutly perfectly, even though she won't get any credit for it, because nothing interesting ever happens to Ravenclaws) [by BlueIce]   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
No idea.   
What?! A Ravenclaw without an idea?! Hell must have frozen over. [by selena]   
_A/n: In the original submission, the second "idea" was replaced by the word "idiot" ... it took me a long time to figure that out._   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?   
~Only one. But then she'll take the wand and start doing all sorts of 7th year stuff with it... [by Cassandra Anthemyst]   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?   
~Probably just one, but why would a Ravenclaw light up a wand when s/he could make the entire room glow with sparkling, rainbow lights? (Minestry of Magic's Advanced Show Spells, page 1426 subsecion C) [by Aijou Hermione]   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?   
~It depends; you take the cubic volume of the wand, multiplied by the average density of the wood, and divide it by the mean magical ability of the Ravenclaws in question... [by Elspeth]   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?   
~Two. One to light it, and one to cry about Cedric, and use it to light the way to his grave. [by Ges]   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, but she has to lead harry Poter on, smooch with nine other quiditch guys and make Draco scream first. [by Sakura-Revolution]   
_A/n: Okaaaaaay ...._   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?   
~Just one, because s/he stayed up all night studying on how to do it properly. [by Rubi Granger]   
  
[**A/n: And finally, three from Charon, who calls this "the best series ever"**]   
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~Just one, but it'll never be mentioned in any of the books.   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~According to the latest study done by wand-lighting experts and the most recent census taken by the Ministry of Magic, combined with the average count of students necessary from the Hogwarts records, with the x-factor of Ravenclaws generally being more academically talented than other students polled...   
  
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light up a wand?   
~You've seen a Ravenclaw? In Hogwarts?   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?   
~The entire house; their 'loyalty' will keep 'em at it no matter how hard they have to try. [by Taracollowen]   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?   
~Only one, but they're so loyal he'll probably tell you it took the whole house. [by Ithica]   
  
[**A/n: This isn't a wand joke, but it's worth repeating.**]   
Abby writes: "The Hufflepuffs are kind of like the security guys in Star Trek - they show up at the beginning and end of every episode, and the only time they ever get mentioned in between is when they die horribly." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
It has come to my attention that some of you are slightly miffed that the Slytherins haven't been picked on as much as the other houses. I think that if you look back you'll see that there have been PLENTY of Slytherin (and Death Eater and Malfoy and Dark Lord) gags; nonetheless, in the interest of political correctness and keeping the peace, I'll be compiling Slytherin wand jokes for a future episode. *winces* Keep 'em clean, y'all. 


	8. A Whole Bunch

**[Author's Note]** Here's the most enormous section yet. Somebody really ought to send these in to Ms. Rowling.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

How many Dark Lords does it take to light up a wand?   
~Two: One to light it, one to kill him and take the credit [by Melisa Spellcaster]   
  
[**A/n: Here are several by Ithica**]   
How many Death Eaters does it take to light a wand?   
~Just one, but if Voldemort doesn't like how he did it, he'll be sorry.   
  
How many members of the infamous Trio does it take to light a wand?   
~All three of them. Harry to light the wand, Ron to be jealous of his wand-lighting ability, and Hermione to give the complete history of wands and the 'Lumos' spell.   
  
How many ghosts does it take to light a wand?   
~Answer, as given by Moaning Myrtle: That's so insensitive! How can you ask me that when you know perfectly well I can't hold a wand because I'm...I'm... *bursts into hysterical sobs and flushes herself to go spy on the Prefects*   
  
How many werewolves does it take to light a wand?   
~Remus can do it! He's the best Defense teacher ever!   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?   
~A lot fewer if Hermione wasn't standing around distracting them by correcting their pronunciation.   
  
How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?   
~One, and it has to be Lucius: Draco's too busy using his to hex Harry and Narcissa's afraid she'll break a nail.   
  
How many Weasleys does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but they have to wade through a pile of the twins' fake ones first.   
  
How many Creeveys does it take to light up a wand?   
~Three, one to light it up, one to take some pictures, and one to run and brag to Harry about it all [by V. S. Bilyak]   
  
[**A/n: A couple more by Urania**]   
How many Ollivanders does it take to light a wand?   
~Hundreds. Each one to light a different wand until they find the right one.   
  
How many Lockharts does it take to light a wand?   
~Five. One to look at the wand and be confused, one to get a good wizard to do it for him, one to wipe the good wizard's memory, one to publish a book about it, and one to sign the book.   
  
How many Hermiones does it take to light a wand? (supposing she wanted to light fire from it, not light it up)   
~Three. One to wonder if there's any wood around, one to remember that she's a witch and can use magic, and one to do the spell perfectly.   
  
How many Hagrids does it take to light a wand?   
~Two. One to light it and one to explain why his pink umbrella just lit up.   
  
How many Dudleys does it take to light a wand?   
~Three. One to find Harry's wand and take it out of greed and curiosity, one to accidently light it up, and one to freak out because that means he's a wizard.   
  
How many Blast-Ended Skewts does it toake to light up a wand?   
~No one's been willing to get close enough to find out. [by Chablis Jameson]   
  
How many divination proffessors does it take to ligt a wand?   
~One, but it's sure to be the sign of dreadful things to come. [by Ginavere]   
  
  
How mant Tom Marvolo Riddles does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, but he has to write all about it in his diary first. [by Sakura-Revolution]   
  
How many Mary-Sues does it take to light up a wand?   
~None. All of them are too busy with their deep dark secrets, being Voldemort's daughter, and fixing their naturally blonde hair to care! [by Seeker-2000]   
_A/n: Sometimes they have black hair ..._   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
[**A/n: Elspeth sent in three lightbulb jokes. Whatever.**]   
How many Gryffindors does it take to change a lightbulb?   
~One. He holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around him.   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to change a lightbulb?   
~None; they're all too scared of the dark to try.   
  
How many Slytherins does it take to change a lightbulb?   
What's a lightbulb?   
or, alternatively:   
None, they make a Hufflepuff do it for them.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
How many Neville Longbottoms does it take to light a wand?   
~Only one, but he'll need Malfoy to scare him into doing it, first. [by Cassandra Anthemyst]   
  
How many founders of Hogwarts does it take to light a wand?   
~Four, two to get into a fight about which house is better, one to shake her head at their antics and one to light the bloody wand! [by Ariana Deralte]   
  
How many butterbeers does it take to light a wand?   
~Zero, the more you drink, the harder it is to do the spell. [by Ariana Deralte]   
  
How many mysterious strangers does it take to light a wand?   
~None, he wouldn't want to be recognized now would he? On the other hand, if you want a dragon's egg... [by Ariana Deralte]   
  
How many History of Magic teachers does it take to light up a wand?   
~Two, one to do it and the other to keep the class awake long enough to see it. [by Kat Burnell]   
  
[**A/n: And five excellent ones by Kocchi Highwind**]   
How many Death Eaters does it take to light up a wand?   
~Just one, but you'll have to find one that still has a hand.   
  
How many Ministry of Magic employees does it take to light up a wand?   
~Two, one to do the lighting and one to file the appropriate forms in triplicate.   
  
How many Ministry of Magic employees does it take to light up a wand?   
~One (1), as per international standards.   
  
How many Obliviators does it take to light up a wand?   
~I forget.   
  
How many Unspeakables does it take to light up a wand?   
~Nobody knows.   
_A/n: I_ love _those two._   
  
How many Hogwarts students does it take to light up a wand?   
~Four; one Hufflepuff to look up the spell, one Ravenclaw to perform it, and one Gryffindor and one Slytherin to argure about it. [by TundraWolf]   
  
[**A/n: Loads from SilverSerpent**]   
How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but he has to have Hermione telling him how.   
  
How many Ginny Weasleys does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but only after she fawns over Harry and gets yelled at by Ron.   
  
How many Professor Quirrells does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but he has to be told by Voldemort how to do it.   
  
How many Mirror of Eriseds does it take to light a wand?   
~None, the person in front of it just has to want it lit really bad.   
  
[**A/n: Tomboy D decided to join in on the fun ...**]   
How many Moaning Myrtles does it take to light up a wand?   
~How can you talk about lighting up in front of me? Of course, Myrtle is dead, lets all tease her, she can't light up a wand...   
  
How many Peeves does it take to light up a wand?   
~Why would I want to light up a wand when I can 'light up' Mrs Norris?   
  
How many Mr. Filches does it take to light up a wand?   
~You.. you found out.. Professor Dumbledore he knows I am a Squib!!!   
  
How many Griffindor Quidditch Seekers does it take to light up a wand?   
~If it is more then one, than they are in deep ... trouble and will never win House Cup.   
  
How many Harrys takes to light up a wand?   
~Zero, because he has to count with a possibility of wand being a Portkey, so no touchie.   
  
How many Professors Trelawney does it take to light up a wand?   
One one, but "...oh, my Inner Eyes sees... it is getting closer..."   
"Not another Grim!"   
"Shut up Miss Granger, and you two stop sniggering"   
  
How many Harrys does it take to light up a wand?   
~Only one, but he has to put up with Colin Creevey running around him with a flashing camera: "That was awesome Harry, look here Harry. Here Harry! Over here!"   
  
[**A/n: Lots from Mercy**]   
How many Vampires does it take to light a wand?   
~Only one I think, but when I realized it was a Vampire, I didn't wait around to see if there were any more.   
  
How many Defense against the Dark Arts Professors does it take to light a wand?   
~No one knows really, they never hold the position long enough to do it.   
  
How many Defense Against the Dark Arts Professors does it take to light a wand?   
~Actually, they all can, but they need to make sure it's not evil first.   
  
How many Divinatons Professors does it take to light a wand.   
~Only one, but she has to wait until the stars are aligned just so...and Lavender and Parvati need to be there to marvel over it.   
  
How many Defense Against the Dark Arts Professors does it take to light a wand?   
~They all can, but Professor Snape could do it so much better a job of it, I'm sure.   
  
[**A/n:** amadeus went crazy. I've only published the ones that have to do with demographic groups in the books (i.e. no mimes lighting wands), but there are several more in the reviews if you want to go read those. Just for the record, that's my criteria, that the people lighting the wands have to be in the books. That, and fanfic writers or Mary-Sues. Those are ok too.]   
How many Mary-Sues does it take to light a wand?   
~Well, that depends on whether she's Harry's new girlfriend who has mysterious powers or his twin sister who just miraculously dissappeared from all records and memory 15 years ago.   
  
How many Hagrids does it take to light a wand?   
~Hagrid: "Nope, haven' got one. They snapped it when I was expelled in me third year. Could make a nice fire with this here umbrella, though, if you promise not to tell no one. I'm not really suppos'd to be doin' magic, you know. Sausuge, Harry?   
  
How many fanfiction writers does it take to light a wand?   
~Well, if we had wands we would surely be far too busy helping Harry and co. defeat the dark lord to worry about silly wand-lighting.   
  
How many Arthur Weasleys does it take to light a wand?   
~Just one. But he'd be much more fascinated in a muggle flashlight, especially if he could find one with a plug.   
  
How many Slytherins/Gryffindors/Ravenclaws/Hufflepuffs does it take to light a wand?   
~Just one. But he/she died about a thousand years ago.   
  
How many Weasley twins does it take to light a wand?   
~Molly: "Oh no you don't. They're enough trouble already without getting ideas from the likes of you!"   
  
How many Harry Potter obsessors does it take to light a wand?   
~Dunno. I've memorized every word of all four books and the movie and they doesn't say. I could recite them if you don't believe me.   
  
How many Lavenders and Parvatis does it take to light a wand?   
~Either one can do it. But they'll both be sure to giggle and whisper conspirationally in each others ears while they do.   
  
How many Dumbledores does it take to light a wand?   
~You'll know when you're old enough, Harry, when you're ready and the time is right. _A/n: That one was great._   
  
How many Voldemorts does it take to light a wand?   
~I'm a bit afraid to ask him just now. He seems a bit preoccupied in his attempts to kill Harry Potter.   
  
How many corny jokes does it take to light a wand?   
~I don't know. Perhaps you would like to shed some ....light... on us? Hehe. Hehe. Heh.... Oh. Nevermind then.   
_This brings the total to 164, and my wand's not lit yet._


	9. Slytherins

**[Author's Note]** *sighs* As I feared, you all rose to the occasion nicely and provided plenty of Slytherin jokes for everyone's enjoyment. Those who know me will realize I'm not happy about posting these, because I think Slytherins are the best thing since sliced cheese, but here they are anyway. I hope you all enjoy yourselves, you pathetic, sniveling Mudbloods. You'll get your own back, because after this the Gryffindors get their turn at the guillotine, so start sending in those Gryffindor jokes! All other jokes are equally welcome, btw. We are an equal-opportunity mockery institution.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but then he gets in trouble with his father because Hermione did it better. [by Ithica] 

How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?   
~Eight: 1 to use dark magic to light, 2 to hurl insults at passing Gryffindors, and 5 to stand around and conceal the evil doings [by hermione rocks] 

How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~Doesn't matter. However well they do, Dumbledore will find some excuse to give the glory to the Gryffindors instead. 

How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?   
~Only one, but he has to make sure he frames the Gryfindors for it! [by Anon ... no really, that's what they signed in as] 

How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?   
~They don't *really* know how to light wands. They have house elves to do it for them. [by Lily Smith] 

[**A/n: Kocchi Highwind, whom I would have thought better of, sent in three.**]   
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~Three, one do do the lighting and a couple of toadies to congratulate him. 

How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~None. Why learn Lumos when you could learn Crucio? 

How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~Two, one to do the lighting and another to laugh at Neville Longbottom just out of spite. 

How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~For the least amount, two; Draco Malfoy to do it and Pansy Parkinson to fawn all over him for it. for the most amount, half the house; Draco Malfoy to do it and all the girls in the house to fawn all over him for it. [by TundraWolf] 

How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?   
~None. They just get the Potions master to give them credit and a bunch of house points for it. [by SilverSerpent] 

How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~Why light a wand when you can set a Hufflepuff's robes on fire? [by Melissa Spellcaster]   
_A/n: My point exactly._

How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~Six. One to light it, one to gloat over it, one to steal it, and three to look impressive. [by Melissa Spellcaster] 

How many Slytherins does it take to light a Wand?   
~5:One to complain about how his father would be very upset about having him do such menial tasks, two to look menacing, one to open the Chamber of Secrets to make sure no muggle-borns do it first, and one to sneer at the Gryffindors and give the Slytherins extra ponts for doing it so perfectly. [by Janus] 

How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~Depends on what color the light is. Green; that'd be one, but only by You-Know-Who himself. Any other; did you really think the Slytherins were smart enough to figure that out? [by Taracollowen] _A/n: Ouch!_

[**A/n: From selena, who owns no shift key**]   
how many slytherins does it take to light a wand?   
~well, i guess only one since lord voldemort-, no wait! i mean you-know-who! please don't kill me! *cringes as Death Eaters attack her* okay, well, what i was saying before i was so rudely interrupted *glares at death eaters* is that there is only one slytherin heir. right? i mean, harry potter can talk to snakes and all but you-know-who was the only slytherin heir right?! 

how many slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~just one really but he has to be accompanied by two thugs *cough* *cough* crabbe n goyle *cough* *cough* n an ugly girl *cough* pansy *cough* that grows on his arm. he also has to show it off to the gryffindors who would bravely beat him to a pulp before they have 1 of their own members, probably hermione, light it n get the credit while ron n harry have detention from snape, who gets made after george n fred play a prank on him (he thinks it was james, sirius and remus all over again! [wormtail is a loser so he will not be mentioned]). 

[**A/n: AIT the Almighty Spork thought this was the best thing ever, and sent in "a cornucopia of corniness". You all know the question by now, so here are just the answers:**]   
How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?   
~Two, one to light it and one to blame the Gryffindors in case it doesn't work. 

~None, they can just wait for a Gryffindor to do it and then take the credit. 

~Only one, but only if the Dark Lord lets them. 

~Two: one student to light it and one Head of House to give them absurd amounts of points for it. 

~One, but first he has to make sure everyone knows that only the true heir of Slytherin can light it correctly. 

~One to light it and the rest of the house to gloat about it to the Gryffindors. 

~Three: One to hide it in a secret chamber, one to find it over a thousand years later and almost light it but fail and blame someone else, having said person expelled, and one to find it again fifty years after that and try to light it again but get caught. The wand then gets destroyed by Harry Potter. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
Whew! *wipes forehead* Those weren't so bad. Come on now, it's your turn: just send 'em in through the review button. You don't even have to sign in. Given the quality of the jokes recently, you may even consider signing _out_ before submitting. 


	10. Still More

**[Author's Note]** Ten chapters and counting. The volume of jokes in this collection is really starting to alarm me. _Note:_ Next chapter is the Gryffindors. (Keep sending them in!) After that, I'm going to completely rearrange the collection so that it's subdivided into demographics. Then I'll just post any new jokes in the appropriate category whenever they come in. Thanks to everyone who's made this such a huge collection, and so much fun. On to the corn:   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
[**A/n: Three from AIT the Almighty Spork, on a Shakespeare high, apparently**]   
How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?   
~None, they make their house-elf do it.   
  
How many Malfoys does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but first he has to sneer at the Mudbloods.   
  
How many Dementors does it take to light a wand?   
~A Dementor? With a wand? That's a scary thought.   
  
How many Harry Potters does it take to light up a wand?   
~One. Last time I checked he was singular. [by Chablis Jameson]   
  
How many Barty Crouch Jr.s does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, but his being dead might hinder him a tad. [by Chablis Jameson]   
  
How many Mary Sues does it take to light a wand?   
~One. And in the process, she'll build a lasting friendship between Harry and Draco, make Ron and both twins fall in love with her, academically outshine Hermione, make Fleur jealous of her looks, make Wood jealous of her Quidditch prowess, and die a tragic, noble death that saddens everyone. But we're all better people for it. (Let's all light our wands in memory. How many sarcastic people with lame wand-lighting jokes will it take...) [by Charon]   
  
[**A/n: Guess what, guys! We got our first good flame! Here it is, in its original form:**]   
"Mione" writes: Glares don't u dare make fun of the weasleys. I HAVE BRIGHT RED HAir to i bet your a hufflepuff. Oh heres one HOW MANY SLYTHERINS DOES IT TAKE TO LIGHT A WAND? 3 cause there dummer than the hufflepuffs. so i change it your a slytherin   
  
[**A/n: These were sent in by an anonymous "Someone"**]   
How many Moodys does it take to light up a wand?   
~We don't know, he was going to do it, but then he turned Malfoy into a ferret instead and then he turned out to be Crouch's son in disguise.   
  
How many Crabbes does it take to light up a wand?   
~You've got to be kidding right? I have never seen Crabbe do a bit of magic! Malfoy does it for him so he can have a body guard!   
  
How many Goyles does it take to light up a wand?   
~See joke above...   
  
How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, but he'll die right after he accuses Harry of doing it because he was foolish enough to say Harry's name in front of the Dark Lord who is extremely peed off that Harry got away from him for the forth time in 15 years.   
  
How many 'How many' jokes does it take to light up a wand?   
~We don't know, I've seen eight chapters chock full of them.   
  
How many Fanfic authors will it take to light up a wand?   
~Evidently we are all too busy typing up these jokes to try. :}   
  
How many veelas does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but you'll have to stand beside a couple leprechauns and have them make her real angry so she turns into a bird thingy and throws fireballs at you! [by Tiger]   
  
[**A/n: Five from the apocryphally-named Ginny Potter**]   
How many Pettigrews does it take to light a wand?   
~One; he lights it, blows up a street, and turns into a rat.   
  
How many gigantic spiders does it take to light a wand?   
~None; they're too busy eating them.   
  
How many Mary-Sues does it take to light a wand?   
~One...and hers is *just* like Harry's.   
  
How many fanfiction writers does it take to light a wand?   
~Who knows? They're too busy explaining how smooth and glossy it is.   
  
How many Filches does it take to light a wand?   
~None...he swishes his broom and flicks his cat instead.   
  
[**A/n: Three from Kelso44**]   
How many Dobbys does it take to light a wand?   
~ Four: one to learn how to light the wand, one to light the wand, one to explain to the ministry, and one to "save" Harry from the dangerous flames.   
  
How many Fleurs does it take to light a wand?   
~None, she has a ton of males dying to do it for her. And if they don't she'll turn into a freaky bird thing and eat them...   
  
How many Crabbes and Goyles does it take to light a wand?   
~About 500: They all try but fail, until one of them throws it into a fireplace in frustration.   
  
How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand?   
~78.('sung like the 12 days of christmas')12 that are gloating,11 that are sneering,10 that are sniggering,9 hurting feelings,8 telling snape,7 getting in trouble,6 telling father,5 sitting around,4 getting house elves,3 stuffing their faces,2 thugs guarding,and the 1 that is lighting the waaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnddddddddd!!!!![by Hufflepuffer242]   
  
How many Dark Lords does it take to light up a wand?   
~You've got two choices: all of them, because they'll end up killing each other with their light (green is such a lovely color) or one, to avoid the killins. [by Taracollowen]   
  
How many Fan authors does it take to light a wand?   
~None. The wand will be lit with the power of the love between Harry and Draco... if only they can get along first! Please R/R! [by Winged Kamui]   
or, alternately,   
~None. Why light up a wand when you can incinerate a Mary Sue? [by Winged Kamui]   
  
How many Harry Potter Obsessors does it take to light a wand?   
~Quiet, they're reading the fourth book... [by Rubi Granger]   
  
How many Professor Trelawneys does it take to light a wand?   
~...But there was only one the last time I checked... Oh my gosh-- Trelawney has an evil twin!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! RUN AWAY!!! [by Rubi Granger]   
  
How many Beauxbatons students does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but zey must be careful zat zey do not smudge zere robes.   
  
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~None- such menial labor is best left to those *other* Houses. [by Lilly Beth]   
  
[**A/n: And to top it off, five by Crystal Cattail**]   
How many Slytherins does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, but a gigantic, glittering green skull will shoot out of it, terrifying everyone within 50 miles.   
  
How many muggles does it take to light up a wand?   
~Wand? You mean that weird stick of wood you left lying around? Oh, they threw it away.   
  
How many Poltergeists does it take to light up a wand?   
~Depends....will lighting it cause somebody to suffer?   
  
How many Boggarts will it take to light up a wand?   
~One, but they'll have a really hard time finding somebody who's afraid of one.   
  
How many spiders does it take to light up a wand?   
~There's none around to do it because Ron discovered pesticide yesterday. 


	11. Gryffindors

**[Author's Note]** I know, I know, lists are illegal. Well, that never stopped Fred or George and it's certainly not going to stop me -- until, of course, the deadline when it all gets washed away. In the meantime, here are the Gryffindor jokes. Enjoy them while you can.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
~ One, but first he has to kill the basilisk, clear his godfather's name, defeat the Dark Lord, and win every Quidditch game. [by Kelso44]   
  
How many Godric Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?   
~ Two: one to light the wand and one to flick off Salazar. [by Kelso44]   
  
how many gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
~why light up a wand when u could ask ron to use his flying car? those headlights work better then that spell anywayz [by selena]   
  
how many gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
~just one who has a crush on a certain other gryffindor *gets whacked in the head by an extremely huge book*   
"I DO NOT LIKE RON!!!" rubbing spot where book hit head.   
"I NEVER SAID U DID HERMIONE!!!"   
bushy haired girl shuts up n hides behind even larger book turning red [by selena]   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?   
~Eleven: two to engineer the escape plan, four to accompany Harry out to the Forbidden Forest, Hermione to complain that they're breaking the rules, George and Fred to shut Hermione up, Harry to light the wand, and Colin Creevey to go tell Rita Skeeter that Harry Potter just lit up his wand. [by Ildetia]   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?   
~One, although any student can do it, but Gryffindors will be the only one doing it you'll read about.[by Ges]   
  
How many Gryffindor's does it take to light a wand?   
~None. All the wands in Gryffindor Tower keep turning into rubber chickens. (Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes at Work again!) [by Eigwayne]   
  
[**Lots from Crystal Tiara17**]   
How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
~Five. One brave enough to admit he lit it up, one to screw it up, two to help each other, and one to cover up for all of them.   
  
~Two. One to do it and one to laugh while Draco Malfoy or a Slytherin gloats.   
  
~One, who has to take the risk of being discovered by Snape, a Slytherin, McGonagall, Filch, or Mrs. Norris.   
  
~All of them, to help each other in times of need.   
  
~Eight. One to do it, one to check if it is done right, two to make sure it doesn't screw up or go haywire and to help if ever it screws up, one to act as guard if someone's coming, one to do the explaining in case they are caught, one to say, "Why don't we use Lumos instead?", and one to take pictures while at the same time bugging Harry Potter by saying, "All right, Harry?".   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
~One; Hermione won't let anyone else try it and thus look smarter than she. [by Lilly Beth]   
  
How many Gryffindor's does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but when it goes out the whole house starts sobbing and muttering incoherently about how it was so brave and didn't deserve to go out this way. [by burnin_rims]   
  
(Continuation of previous joke.)   
What happens when the light comes back?   
Fudge: I refuse to accept it. [by burnin_rims]   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
~You mean they can think of something other than Quidditch? [Ariana Deralte] 


	12. More and More

**Author's Note**: *shrugs* Can't resist. There are a lot of good ones that have come in lately. Get 'em while they're hot.   
You know what? I originally posted this as a draw to get people to see my profile and read my novels, which I actually put time and effort into. It hasn't worked. *sighs forlornly and hopes someone catches the hint*   
And the heck with the ban on lists. I've got all this saved elsewhere and I'm keeping it up until they catch me.   
Enough comments, you're just here for the jokes ...   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

How many Dursleys does it take to light a wand?   
~None, How DARE you suggest a Dursley would be so ABNORMAL as to possess a wand, much less light it?? [by BlueSmurf21]   
  
How many muggle's studies professors does it take to light up a wand?   
~None, they use light bulbs to give you the authentic muggle experience. [by Ariana Deralte]   
  
How many mirrors does it take to light up a wand?   
~Fix your hair, scruffy, and I'll tell you. [by Ariana Deralte]   
  
**[Two from thistlemeg, who requests that I alert you to the fact that she knows they suck.]**   
How many Society for Slytherin Advancement members does it take to light up a wand?   
~Oh, they can all do it, but it doesn't mean anyone but the Gryffindors will get any points for it.   
_A/n: *is flattered*_   
  
How many Prefects does it take to light up a wand?   
~Why would they need to? It's not like they're ever in the Forbidden Forest at night or anything.   
  
How many fanfiction reviewers does it take to light up a wand?   
~If we could, we wouldn't be writing fanfiction, we'd be living it. [by "guess"]   
  
How many flobberworms does it take to light a wand:   
~They've been trying ever since they were born so they can set themselves alight and stop Ron poking lettuce down their throats.. [by Elanor]   
  
**[by burnin_rims]**   
How many Crabbe's does it take to light a wand?   
~One, Ron with a polyjuice potion.   
  
How many Voldemort's does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but then his reign of darkness smothers it.   
  
How many Gryffindor's does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but when it goes out the whole house starts sobbing and muttering incoherently about how it was so brave and didn't deserve to go out this way.   
  
(Continuation of previous joke.)   
What happens when the light comes back?   
Fudge: I refuse to accept it.   
  
**[Lots by Amara. Lots and lots.]**   
How many Mary Sues does it take to light up a wand?   
~Her smile is enough to blind Great Britain.   
  
How many Winkies does it take to light a wand?   
~Bad Winky, Winky mustn't touch a wand, Winky must fret over poor Mister Bagman, Bagman! needing his Winky! no, no, Winky, mustn't touch the wand, bad Winky...   
  
How many nosy reporters...?   
~Only one, but they'd like to know your opinion on the Wand Lighting Statement in the newly added paragraph J of Clause 36 of the Restrictions on Underage Magic beforehand and, of course, rights to interviews with you once you get thrown in Azkaban for...er...whatever it is that they falsely accuse you of in the Daily Prophet.   
  
How many Hermiones does it take to light a wand?   
~One to hold her neck high and tell you exasperatingly that Any Proper Wizard Can Do It and You Should Have Learned It In First Year, one to cross her arms and tell YOU to do it if you're so clever, one to yell "No, no, NO, you're doing it all wrong!" one to correct your spelling ("Stop, stop, stop! It's LUmos, not luMOS!"), one to follow you around lecturing you on the IMPORTANCE of passing first year and tutting at not even knowing the LUMOS spell, one to finally roll their sleeves up and light the bloody wand, and one to beam as they earn five points for Gryffindor. (Amara: So that makes....*counts fingers*...ehm..... Hermione: *matter-of-factly* Seven. Amara: Oh, be quiet, you. Hermione: *hurt sniff*)   
  
How many Ron Weasleys does it take to light a wand?   
~Oh, what does it bloody matter? Hermione'll do it for me anyway. *faint pink tinge around ears*   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
**[These are in-jokes. But I'm leaving them in just for kicks.]**   
How many raves does it take to light a wand?   
~There'll only ever be one rave, but you'll have to find her first...perhaps she's knocking foaming mugs with somebody in the Three Broomsticks and adding raucous new lyrics to "I May Be a Tiny Chimney Sweep..."   
  
How many Cassandra Claires does it take to light a wand?   
She's too busy writing Draco Veritas on schnoogles, and anyway she *is* Muggle, although some of us do wonder...   
  
How many Starlings does it take to light a wand?   
~Alas, she's Muggle through and through, but she could draw it more superbly than it must look in real life.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   
  
How many Mauraders does it take to light a wand?   
~Sirius: Aw, why would we be doing that when we could be lighting up Snape's nose?   
  
How many Dursleys does it take to light a wand?   
~A wan--HOW DARE YOU ASK SUCH A THING, YOU IMPUDENT CHILD???   
  
How many Warner Brothers executives does it take to light a wand?   
~Wand? Wand? Don't be silly, there's no such thing, it's just a -- hey, there's an idea! "Lumos Harry! His magic wand really lights up when you say 'Lumos' to him!" Yeah, yeah, that's good...now we'll have to worry about the rights, but...*walks away muttering sales pitches to themself*   
  
How many poltergeists does it take to light a wand?   
~Good grief!   
_A/n: I .. uh .. don't get it._   
  
How many Stunningly Good Looking Teachers/Star Quidditch Players/Five Time Winners of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award/Conquestors of the Dark Arts does it take to light a wand?   
~Good Lord, do you mean to tell me there's more than one?   
  
How many Ministers of Magic does it take to light a wand?   
~I...er...*wrings hands*...I don't...I mean...are you sure...we can't simply...that is to say...*breaks into sweat*...are we allowed to just...NOW SEE HERE, I CAN'T!!!   
  
How many Argus Filches does it take to light a wand?   
~*growl* Say that again, will you?   
  
How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand? ~None; it would tell his enemies exactly where he was.   
  
How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?   
~Say, why do you want to know? *suspicious look* All right, out with it, who sent you? Voldemort? Voldemort? I KNEW IT!   
  
How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?   
~What? Alastor Moody? Focus his concentration on his wand for more than a millisecond to utter the long and complex "Lumos" charm when he could be attacked by foes at any moment?   
  
How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?   
~There's only one Moody 'round here now, and that's ME. *steadies wooden leg; leers* Nobody's cloning THIS man again.   
  
How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?   
~I thought the Ministry agreed never to let him near a wand again after what he did to that poor woman last Easter...   
  
How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand?   
~Think you're funny, do you? Me, light a wand? Why, I could do it in the blink of an eye and you wouldn't know! Just like them what follows me around could slip poison into your dinner in the shake of a hand! Poison, I tell you! 'S'why I drink from my own flask all the time...you could take a few pointers from me, son...   
  
How many Alastor Moodies does it take to light a wand? (Okay...I'm getting a little bit obsessed here)   
~One to check in the Foe Glass to make sure none o' the whites of their eyes are showing,; one to dial up the Ministry of Magic and tell them to send back-up squads; one to set up a magical barrier between himself and anyone who could possibly be in the room; one to inform the rest of the wizarding world that he is About to Light His Wand; one to toss a grizzled mane over his shoulder and look nonchalant; one to flick his magical eye about to sweep the room for intruders; one to spend months building a complicated device that can grab your wand from your belt without you having to lower your eyes and unfocus your attention ("CONSTANT VIGILANCE"...hey, yeah! One to shout "Constant Vigilance!"); one to turn Malfoy into a bouncing white ferret for the heck of it; one to pat a terrified Neville on the shoulders; one to announce once more to the wizarding world that he is Going to Light His Wand and he is Really Not Kidding; one to suck in his breath and dart his eyes around some more; one to knock out all of the back-up squads the Ministry sent for fear that Voldemort intercepted his call and they are Deatheaters in disguise; one to remember what he was doing in the first place after all the precautions; and one to drop his wand and announce that he's much too vigilant to spare time for lighting some stupid wand. Jeez.   
  
**["Thirteen corny jokes" from Clara Maplewood]**   
How many Divination Professors does it take to light up a wand?   
Why would you worry about such a foolish pursuit as wand-lighting, my dears, when DEATH is circling nearer and nearer every day, and its senses could be honed on any one of you? *Falls into a prophetic faint*   
  
How many Divination Professors does it take to light up a wand?   
~Who cares? The darkness is good for the Inner Eye.   
  
How many non-canon fanfiction writers does it take to light up a wand?   
~Well, wait a minute...what if nobody ever asked how many non-canon fanfiction writers it takes to light up a wand?   
  
How many beta readers does it take to light up a wand?   
~Actually, if you want to be as accurate as possible, you probably shouldn't even ask, because it's not like it takes a great deal of magical knowledge or ability to light a wand. It's an elementary spell; Harry knew it as early as book 2, I think.   
  
How many Rita Skeeters does it take to light up a wand?   
~5: One to become an unregistered Animagus, one to spy on the good guys, one to enlist the aid of the bad guys, one to use the Quick-Quotes Quill to make everything sound scandalous, and one to be there when one of the good guys lights up the wand by using the Avada Kedavra curse on her.   
  
How many Cho Changs does it take to light up a wand?   
~None; we all know that she's too busy being a...a...a SCARLET WOMAN!!!   
  
How many Cedric Diggorys does it take to light up a wand?   
~*All Hufflepuffs and Cho Chang glare tearfully at Clara* That's low. That's really, really low.   
  
How many Mary-Sues does it take to light up a wand?   
~It depends on a lot of things: From which country is she an exchange student? How is she related to Harry? How is she the secret link between Harry and Voldemort? Which character falls madly in love with her? Which character picks her off gruesomely even though she doesn't deserve to die and has fought valiantly?   
  
How many Durmstrang students does it take to light up a wand?   
~Twenty-six; twenty-five to row the boat, and one to pretend he didn't use dark magic to light the wand.   
  
How many Scabbers the Rats does it take to light up a wand?   
~What are you talking about? Rats can't light wands. He'd have to be a wizard to do that. You're not a wizard...are you, Scabbers?   
  
How many Barty Crouch Jr.s does it take to light a wand?   
~*a Ministry of Magic official snatches said wand from Barty's listless grasp and slaps a subpoena at the author* You're in direct violation of International Council of Witchcraft and Wizardry Code 58763, Regulation 9086, Section 43.ii.673, Resolution 406300.355.mcxvii.....   
  
How many Cornelius Fudges does it take to light up a wand?   
~*Fudge gazes stubbornly at the table on which the wand lies.* There's no wand.   
_A/n: *snickers*_   
  
How many Peter Pettigrews does it take to light up a wand?   
~Four; One to get the order from Voldemort, one to actually light the wand, one to make it look like Sirius lit the wand, and one to hide out with the Weasleys for eleven years.   
  
**[Some from justgottajump111, who was feeling residential for a while]**   
How many Gred's and Forge's does it take to light a wand?   
~One- but don't ask which one he is, or you'll have a headache and a half   
  
How many Hermiones does it take to light a wand   
~Our resident over-achiever is currently incapable of wand-lighting because she foolishly took Polyjuice Potionwithout making sure she had Millicent Bullstrode's hair... and is currently covered in fur.   
  
How many Professor Dumbledore's does it take to light a wand?   
~Absolutely none. He simply has his resident former-death-eater-turned-Potions-Professor take part in this foolish wand-waving, to make him feel better for loosing out on the DADA job, AGAIN!!   
  
How many Madame Pomfreys does it take to light a wand?   
~Only one, but she has to take a vile-tasting potion that enables her to take part in wand-lighting ceremonies in order to do the majic.   
  
How Many Infamous Trios (according to all those fanfic writers out there) does it take to light a wand?   
~An Infinite Amount, because, according to said writers, they're too busy with thier little love triangles to do anything as complex as saying 'lumos'   
  
How many Voldemorts does it take to light a wand?   
~There's more than one!?!? Run for your life!   
  
How many Ron Weasleys does it take to light a wand? (according to fanfic writers?)   
~One, but he can only do it after complaining to all of Gryffindor house about how he feels like a third weel to Harry and Hermione's coupling.   
  
How many Hermiones does it take to light a wand? (once again, according to all you fanfic writers?)   
~An Infinite amount, because she's too busy choosing which Weasley guy or Harry or Krum she wants to do something as hard and complex and requiring as much research as saying the word 'lumos'   
  
How many Harry Potters does it take to light a wand, as per these fanfic writers?   
~One, since he's got plenty of time on his hands now that Ron and Hermione are a couple and he's all left out.   
  
How many Draco Malfoys does it take to light a wand? (once again, as per fanfic writers) ~Only One, but he can only do it after serving the dark lord, making out with Hermione, realizing his secret passion to be Harry Potter's lover, and become best friends with Ron Weasley.   
  
**[By DangerMouse, whose handle I love]**   
How many Madame Pomfreys does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, but it's a darn good thing she never asks how it got unlit in the first place.   
  
How many Percys does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, but he needs to write up a report on it first.   
  
How many Olivers does it take to light up a wand?   
~One, and he needs to do it quickly so he can get out to the Quidditch pitch before the sun comes up.   
  
How many Lucious Malfoys does it take to light up a wand?   
~None, and he denys any allegations that he was involved in wand lighting in the first place.   
  
How many Azkaban prisoners does it take to light up a wand?   
~They can't - it's just too depressing.   
  
How many authors does it take to light up a wand?   
~Depends on how many of them are actually witches and wizards!! [by Legolas' Princess]   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?   
~None! Hardly any of them ever seem to do any REAL magic, unlike the Slytherins, who at least managed the killing curses! [by Phils]   
  
How many Moodys does it take to light up a wand?   
~ One, but he'll have to hex a dozen "attackers" first. (CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!!) [by Semmel]   
  
This ones a lightbalb one:   
How many deatheaters does it take to screw in a lightbalb?   
~None they don't know what one is. [by paperdoll]   
_A/n: Thanks for the forewarning._   
  
How many Peter Pettigrews does it take to light up a wand?   
~None his rat hands are too small to hald it. [by paperdoll]   
  
How many Slyhterins does it take to light a wand?   
~Who cares? Malfot's hot! [by Deely Bopper the Queen of all, who then apologized for misspelling Malfoy]   
  
How many Ferrets does it take to light a wand?   
one but it must be bounced first [by Albus Dumbledore]   
  
How many Slytherins does it take to open the Chamber of Secret's?   
~MALFOY: What are you talking about? That doesn't exist.   
~CRABBE: *trys to laugh but chokes on drool*   
~MALFOY: *slaps CRABBE'S back and turns into MOANING MYRTLE'S bathroom*   
~MOANING MYRTLE: *wails* What are you doing in here? *and the floor by the bathroom floods with silver tears*   
~ME: *turns to run away but runs into FILCH*   
~FILCH: Well, well, well, what have we here? A student cutting class I presume. I think this warrants for a detention.   
~ME: *runs past FILCH ignoring his screams to come back* Oh, Merlin, help me! [by Kayti]   
_A/n: This was not flattering in any way._   
  
How many Mad-eye Moody's would it take to light up a wand?   
~We don't know, because he's terrified it'll turn on him once he lights it. [by Crystal Cattail]   
  
How many Azkaban excapes does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but he has to make sure there are no dementors or ministry officials around because the light from the wand would get him caught. [by Kit Cloudkicker]   
  
**[Three by Argenteus Draco]**   
How many muggles does it take to light up a wand?   
~Wand? Does that mean that wizards really exist?! *memory charm hits them full in the face* Merry Christmas!   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?   
~Just one, but it has to be either Hermione or a Head Boy/Girl. Did anyone notice how they're *always* Gryffindors...   
  
How many Harry Potter over-obesseres does it take to light a wand?   
~Depends on how many of them have a *real* wand and how many of them just carry sticks with them pretending.   
  
How many flamers does it take to light up a wand?   
You'd think they'd be able to manage it, but they're to busy annoying people with their illiteracy and touchiness. [by Cassandra Anthemyst]   
  
How many hogwarts caretakers does it take to light up a wand?   
WHY do you have to keep rubbing in his face the fact that he's a squib? he's not that far on the kwikspell course yet! don't you have anything better to do that torment that poor, troubled soul? [by Cassandra Anthemyst]   
  
**[A bunch from Hank Riddle, who said he'd love me forever if I only acknowledged him. Erm.]**   
How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand?   
~One. But then again, Hermione's not IN Ravenclaw, IS she?   
  
How many Dumbledores does it take to light a wand?   
~One, but only if Fudge disapproves.   
  
How many Veritaserum potions does it take to light a wand?   
~One, and that's the truth!   
(Corny. Very corny.)   
_A/n: But oh, how we love our corn!_   
  
How many post-CoS Lockharts does it take to light a wand?   
~Wand? Haven't got a wand. That boy does though, he'll lend you one. (Or however that phrase he says at the end of CoS goes)   
  
How many post-CoS Lockharts does it take to light a wand?   
~What's a wand?   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand?   
~None. The teachers will give them credit for it anyway.   
  
How many Mary Sues does it take to light a wand?   
~Who needs a wand when her smile blinds half of Britain?   
  
How many gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
One,but he has to be brave enough! [by JjOoSsHh]   
_A/n: Very clever, Josh!_   
  
How many Crookshanks does it take to light up a wand?   
Why would he need to light a wand? Cats can see in the dark!!!! [by Eyra Dragonsworth]   
  
**[By Shaman Nameless One, "hopping onto the bandwagon"]**   
How many Marauders does it take to light a wand?   
- Four, no wait, one's dead. Three, no wait, one's evil. Two, no wait, one's running from the Ministry of Magic.... ONE!! (As long as it isn't a full moon)   
  
How many Quidditch Players does it take to light a wand?   
- Chaser 1 passes it to Chaser 2 but no! It's intercepted by Enemy 1 and passed to Enemy 2! Wait! The Seeker has grabbed the wand and performed the Lumos spell! That is it! Game over!   
  
How many fanfic authors does it take to light a wand?   
- Wand? I have a wand? I'm going to Hogwarts!!!! **runs off yelling spells**   
  
How many Voldemorts does it take to light a wand?   
- Why light it when you can make dead people emerge from the end?   
  
**[Bunches by Godforsaken]**   
How many Mrs. Weasleys does it take to light up a wand?   
-One Mrs. Weasley, but she'll go through seventy-four fake wands before she finds her real one.   
  
How many really bad, cliche-oriented fanfic authors does it take to light up a wand?   
-Why would the author do it if her perfect, "highly original" Mary Sue can do it for her?   
  
How many vampires does it take to light up a wand?   
-*Hermione's answer* It is not within a vampire's capability to actually light a wand as they have a completely different brand of magic, yet being highly clever beings it is quite simple for them to create the illusion of lighting a wand with their mind, although they probably wouldn't do that as light hurts their eyes, and if they are very powerful they can merely cause the nearest bystander to internally combust... *a group of angry vampires hanging out at the nearest vampire bar suck Hermione dry for spilling too much about them and besides, they were hungry.*   
  
How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
-let's see...Harry lights it in a brave a daring fashion, Hermione spends the week beforehand teaching him how to do it properly, Ron complains about not being able to do it properly himself, Fred and George to make incredibly corny jokes about it, Ginny to fawn over Harry's great accomplishment, Lee Jordan to have his dreadlocks catch on fire, Alicia Spinnet to put Lee's dreadlocks out, Katie and Angelina to laugh flirtatiously at Fred and George's bad jokes, Neville to try it on his own and blow himself up, and the resident Mary Sue to faint at the sight of fire. So...let's see, that's...twelve.   
  
How many Professor Snapes does it take to light up a wand.   
-Professor Snape disapproves of anything to do with "foolish wand-waving". If need be, he can add sodium to water and watch it go up in flames; it has a "subtle beauty" that way.   
  
how many mary-sues does it take to light a wand?   
one, but first she'll smile that oh-so-bright smile of hers, atract all the guys in gryfindor AND slytherin, help the infamous trio fight he-who-must-not-be-named, get people to look at hufflepuffs w/ some respect, get a higher grade than hermione, and she'll do all this, plus light the wand, while having imense pain in the half-moon scar she's had on her forehead since she was 1year old. [by One-Winged Butterfly]   
  
**[Some from Nicole Kaylns]**   
Q: How many Gryffindors does it take to light up a wand?   
A: One, after narrowly escaping the Dark Lord himself, saving the school from being turned into stone, avoiding a concieted DADA teacher *coughLockhart*, narrowly escaping the Dark Lord yet again, and mourning over the loss of a brave Hufflepuff (though secretly celebrating now that a certain competitor for Cho is out of the picture...)   
  
A: The whole house. One to look up how to light it and give a long drawn out explination on how important wand-lighting can be to the average wizard, one to complain about how he never gets to be the star of anything and sulk (though in the end he will make up with his best friend), one to light it and receive the winning house points for it, and the rest of the house to cheer and throw their hats into the air at the amazing accomplishment   
  
A: Just one, but he has to be tormented by Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle first.   
  
A: As many as you think it takes to say *Lumos*   
  
A: Three particulars. One (Colin) to hold the wand, one (Hermione) to perfectly annunciate (sp?) the word *Lumos* and one (Neville) to accidentally drop the wand, forcing the said 3 to begin the process again.   
_A/n: Enunciate._   
  
A: One, Hermione must light the wand, then get 112% for doing it. (Check the %, i'm not sure if its correct).   
  
How many Pop-ups does it take to light up a wand?   
~I don't know, but I'm getting sick of them trying. [by Someone]   
_A/n: Preach it, brother._   
  
How many Fudges does it take to light up a wand?   
~Only one, but he'll only believe it if its in writing. *Voldemort comes in hands Fudge a piece of paper that says 'Voldemort must become the Minister of Magic and all Mudbloods and Muggles must die!' Fudge then goes off killing people after he says 'All right then'* [by Someone]   
  
**[Three from "Mrs. Oliver Wood"]**   
How many Slytherin's does it take to light up a wand?   
~One...to glare at it evilly...and the wand lights up out of fear.   
  
How many JKR's does it take to light up a wand?   
~One...and she'll make millions off of it!   
  
How many Lord Of The Rings' characters does it take to light up a wand?   
~What the...sorrie wrong fanfic!   
  
How many DADA teachers does it take to light a wand?   
-5.One to offer it chocolate,one to sign it,one turn it into a ferret,one to turn it back,and one to actually light it. [by PurplePhoenix] 


End file.
